In Art on Friday, I had a Frank Turner song in my head. I was sort of humming it very quietly so that nobody could hear me, and at one point I forgot myself and sang a single line, still very quietly but, as I was actually singing rather than humming, audibly. I then leaned forward and as I was picking up some tissue paper, Charlie said in a slightly incredulous tone, 'Are you singing?' I then realised that I had indeed been singing, blushed and said, 'Um, sort of. Yeah.' She laughed and we both continued to do what we had been doing before, me sticking in photos with coloured tissue paper and annotating them, she drawing her rose.
I reflected on this as I walked home. I used to sing all the time. When relaxed, I would sing, wherever I was. I haven't done that for a year. I mean, I have continued to sing on my own, as I walked to school or in my bedroom. But since leaving Leicester, my Friday art lesson was the first time I have sung randomly in the company of others, just for my own satisfaction, just because I had a song in my head, just because I felt like it.
Perhaps I am becoming myself again.
I know that I've been a lot less confident, as is only natural in a new place. Over the last year I've been more complacent, not putting forward my opinions as much as I used to. I have remained opinionated and full of thoughts on many subjects, but I have rarely expressed them. I used to quite like drama, though I never professed to be particularly good at it; at the Blue I have shied from any kind of acting. I have worried, in vocal group at school, that I was not learning the song fast enough, that I wasn't as good at singing as the other three, that nobody wanted me there. I have felt needlessly embarrassed in the company of some of my best friends.
And now I'm changing back.
At camp I sang a couple of times in the evening meetings, the first time as a matter of course after the worship workshop (though we were asked to sing all the songs rather than just the two we practiced), and the second time because Jess and I were asked back to sing again for the last ever evening meeting at Porthpean (they're relocating next year). I think I became more confident that I could actually sing reasonably well, though I knew I wasn't as good as Jess. Now, back in Wells, I remember camp and am more sure of myself. At church this morning a man sitting behind me asked why I wasn't singing up at the front with Jo and Ruth and Laura.

So yeah. I suppose i just wanted to say, I'm growing in confidence, and growing up.